Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
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*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.