Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
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3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty