Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
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Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”