@juanadog: Saw a sign on the highway that said "Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500" but it doesn't tell me where to pick up the money...
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@TheHyyyype: "hush little baby" is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
@mauleePillar: Someone just sat across from me at a table at Starbucks. They got too close to my food so I bit them.
@TedBundybitch: When I tell people I don't speak English to get out of a conversation I randomly throw the word hemorrhoid just to bring it home