@juanadog: Saw a sign on the highway that said "Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500" but it doesn't tell me where to pick up the money...
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@SortaBad: [Trump speaking at rally] I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
@AnkCoupleTO: [5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you'll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
@3sunzzz: A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it's fun to push things down the stairs.
@behindyourback: even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they're on your side