Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
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Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
the icebreaker
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*