Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
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Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
dads on road-trips be like