[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
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*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”