Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
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The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!