Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
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“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.