Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
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AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
This is sending me to another galaxy
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting