Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
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You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
Message from the dog groomers
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal