Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
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WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*