Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
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Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
new shirt idea
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.