Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
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“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job