Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
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the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
What the dentist sees
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old