Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
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I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it