Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
You Might Also Like
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.