@mrjohntofu: Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
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@IntrepidDeviant: *Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that's my girlfriend.
@daryl_licked: My girlfriend's daughter was laying across my legs. Me: What am I a pillow now? Her: Yep, and pillows don't talk. I think we're bonding.
@DosieDoe: US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
@LaziestCanine: Cop: can you describe the guy who stabbed you Me: yes, he was not very friendly