Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
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Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE