Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
You Might Also Like
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
Banking tips
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel