I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
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Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Monday
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.