Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
You Might Also Like
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
wtf management?!
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
Everything reminds me of my ex
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
Oh, I bet you would be
#merica
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair