No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
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I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
I wish all tests were things you peed on
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Catercrombie & Fish
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though