My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
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People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.