@MattOswaltVA: saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
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@murrman5: [waiting with friend for his test results] "I'm nervous" I'm sure you're fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
@tastefactory: Manager: Your fired Me: *You're Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud Me: How did you know I corrected you
@BatBatshitcrazy: What's it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it's called alcohol.
@BallsMcBallski: It's been five minutes since Adobe asked me to install an update. I hope they didn't go out of business or something.