@MattOswaltVA: saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
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@jwoodham: Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
@katbento: Why hasn't a phone that charges itself just by scrolling the screen ever been invented? What are our scientists doing?
@cpsemple: Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
@dorkwing_duck: Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED! Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear Fox: you mean... the tooth is out there?