Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
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My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks