Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
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Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
December birthdays be like…
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
hackers play passwordle
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
This meal prepping shit easy
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
My diet starts in January
of 2027
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats