@WheelTod: Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
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@Spaziotwat: Survivor 1: "Help! I can't swim! I'm drowning!" Survivor 2: "I have a buoy, friend."
@prettysadmostly: my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
@joerogan: This country has a mental health problem disguised as a gun problem and a tyranny problem disguised as a security problem.
@P0tterhead_394: "You have a very large package downstairs." I really need to work on how I word things to the men around this office.