Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
You Might Also Like
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me