My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
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I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.