@TheCiscoKidder: Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, "You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!"
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@SomthinBoutSara: Just watched a guy in a shirt that read "Jedi I am" trip on a curb and fall. Jedi you are not sir
@pdxjohnny99: This tweet has been brought to you by... ...Stay Free Maxi-pads... ...When your uterine lining looks like the elevator from The Shining.
@whalesmells: When someone you don't like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
@CoolCamel69: "How's your love life?" Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig. "I'm sorry man" it's ok. still got laid.