Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
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Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”