Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
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Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going