Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
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Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one