@runolgarun: saw someone spill their high end juice cleanse all over the sidewalk and now I know god is on my side
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@histwaddle: Two cans of Red Bull may give you x-ray vision, but five cans give you the ability to hear oxygen.
@KeetPotato: [at dave's who has like 9 dogs] me: "what d'you call a fly with no wings" dave: "keith dont" me: "a WALK!" [drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
@HMittelmark: There is nothing like the sound of a child's laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.