Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
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I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti