I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
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Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice