Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
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My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”