You Might Also Like
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
It’s a gift
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Wait for it
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
Room with a view.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.