Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
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Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
bout dat hot dog summer
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
Can’t. Being lazy.