@julietactually: Saw this lady taking pics of stuff and I was like your camera is facing the wrong way, psycho
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@meatgrindr: Hunger Games Synopsis Katniss: I'm in over my head, the govt wants me dead, I'm scared Both Male Leads: Ok but do you LIKE like me
@3sunzzz: Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I'll be your Uber driver. Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask? Me: We'll be making one quick stop.
@GingaSnapppa: I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
@DillDoes: *secret agent slaps me* I'll never give you answers *he grabs my throat* "WHO LIVES IN A PINEAPPLE UNDER THE SEA" *spits* I'd rather die