Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
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Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum