@noog: *opens facebook messenger* *sips mtn dew twice* *strokes neckbeard* *begins typing* Sorry abt ur mom dying Tis a shame Btw ur attractive

@Cheeseboy22: When I die, I'd like my coffin to be filled with Reese's Pieces so on my headstone it can say "R.I.R.P."

@david8hughes: [at the mall] "Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?" "Of course." [leans in to mic] "Goodbye you little shit."

@mugkip: i've always struggled spelling out "blood" with my fingers because it always comes out looking like "bbool"

@dressingperfect: some girls have will power to get up an hour early for class to contour and sometimes I wonder if a shower is worth losing 20 mins of sleep