Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
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I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket