Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
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[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
this chia pet tastes awful
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more