Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
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If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently