Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
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[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.