Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
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I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.