If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
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My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
This meal prepping shit is easy
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.