My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
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[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
I can’t stop watching this.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
The asteroid..
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.