Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
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I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.