Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
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[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
RT if you could go either way.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?