Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
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20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed